Today I am sending this dice divination kit to DENMARK. I am so tickled every time I receive an order for one of these kits - for any of my in-house made products really - and the purchase inspired me to sit down and write a bit about the process I have been going through that has led me to finally being able to share my work more widely.
This was going to be an Instagram post but momma went off the deep end (what's new!). Just yesterday I handed Brett a new product - a Wise & Loving Bats Guidance and Affirmation mat! - and we both had a chuckle when he first looked at it. I knew he was thinking to himself "what a writer!", but my brain chose to hear it more like "oy, so many words!". When I started to apologize and second guess the verbiage, though, Brett lovingly reminded me that being verbose is just my thing. No use arguing against that, I told that nasty little bugger running the brain-show for the moment, and found myself feeling strengthened and secure in my tendency to go on and on and on... (but always with grace, always with finesse!, she says).
It's just that sort of moment that makes me feel so thankful for having found a partner - my partner - who so fully understands, accepts, and supports me. It was also the sort of moment that I have been trying to really tap into, in hopes of letting go of the fears that drive me to hear that rude little critical voice instead of the big, strong, proud, appreciative one!
I have been consciously practicing divination since I was 13 or so, but I now know I have been doing it my whole life (and long before and after that, too!). I find that I am consistently drawn to divination practices in my research, daily life, and spiritual practice - often in ways that are very intuitive and not entirely conscious. I feel honored to be at the stage in this journey where I am able to start to share through these kits and tools some of the knowledge I have gained on this path. I am so thankful that in this lifetime I have been asked to learn and share deep understandings about love, the universe, our world(s), and what it means to be a human being - and that I am at a point in my life where I am finally ready to really outwardly do and share that work.
But of course — with any deeply rewarding challenge or journey comes the difficult emotional work. (I won’t touch on the physical aspects of this work right now, but trust those can be deeply challenging as well! And remember - those physical challenges can so often be rooted in the emotional ones.) I have found that each time I intuitively create a new divination tool or zine, I am faced with one of my biggest challenges of this lifetime, of this brain and of this body. I am faced with my deepest fears of being seen for who I truly am - and the fear of rejection and abuse that has grown out of my previously less-than-successful and sometimes downright traumatizing attempts (in this and other lifetimes) to be lain open to the world so that my greatest work may be done. Each of these tools and zines - every product I make - encompasses so much of who I am and where I have come from, all that has made me as I am here and now. As I have always been. And up until very recently I have been too scared to share that openly with the world around me, and I have kept so very much of my true self secret for so very long. I have always been a very cryptic person, scared to show the full picture lest I be seen for who I really, truly, am.
I have come to a point in my metaphysical and spiritual work where I feel that I have learned to practice this path of open honesty, truth sharing, and freedom without so much fear - without so much danger. I have learned (and am still learning!) crucial skills to help me in that journey - like how to protect myself, how to bolster myself, and ways to heal myself or find healing.
Most importantly, though, I have learned (and am DEFINITELY still learning) the deep importance of honoring myself.
I have learned how the wounds that are inflicted through the fear-based refusal to fully embody one's true self are so much deeper and harder to see or feel than those which come from putting oneself out there (not that those wounds aren't often deeply, deeply traumatizing!). How those wounds we create by not sharing and embodying our truths may not always scar us on the surface, or show themselves off like the tears that roll down your face when someone is cruel to you for sharing your truth - because they work more covertly, often at a deeper level. I have come to see how these self-inflicted wounds of secrecy and shame have nastier, dirtier, more insidious ways of continuing to cut you down from the inside.
These are the types of traumatic wounds that were created when we had to protect ourselves - the types of wounds that have generated minds and paths of their own because they were opened righteously but never given the chance to close. They were never told they could go ahead and heal. They are the kinds of wounds that can kill us by quietly disconnecting ourselves from ourselves to the point of dis-ease, and eventually, disease.
These are the types of wounds that last lifetimes - the types of wounds that continue to reverberate in our subtle energies fields until we forcibly expose and stop them. These wounds - the ones we inflict on ourselves by letting fear keep us from being ourselves outwardly - are the wounds that never really heal until you reopen them and cry magical healing tears of power and grief until the healing happens without you even really realizing it.
I know that for me, one of the deepest reasons I have been scared to be the truest me outwardly - why it has taken me what feels like a long time to allow myself to fully sit within and fill myself - has been because I have been afraid of my own power.
It has taken me a long time to see this - and on the way here I have found many layers built upon this foundation, all of which I have had to work to dismantle in order to see their basic master. But I now know that at the very deep center of my fear is a horror of fulfilling my destiny. An anxiety inducing, ambition killing, freezing fear of truly being all that I am meant to be. This fear comes from some shades of earthly rationality - practical fears of having the mental and physical strength to succeed, or, wondering where the fuck the money will come from are two good examples - but the real basis of this fear is deeply metaphysical.
If we continually choose to acknowledge and do the work we are meant to do, I believe that at some point we will all come to a place where we may choose to fully embody ourselves and live our truest lives. I believe that we all chose to enter the bodies we find ourselves currently in because we have work that we have been called upon - and wish - to do. Everyone's path is different, and we may choose to abandon our path at any time in hopes of forging a new one. But I believe that many of us have been walking these paths as energetic, ethereal bodies for eons, in this and other universes, and all of that experience is contained within us at any given time during our journey. I also believe that we have more than just our personal experiences to inform these deep understandings, too, and that when we are truly embodied and connected we have a depth of power, knowledge, and strength that is impossible to imagine. That can seem pretty overwhelming - even scary. But once you are able to let go of some of that fear, you become open to seeing how all of that power isn't scary at all - it's the opposite of scary. It's true freedom.
I know that I was born to do great and tremendous good. I was born in this body, in this lifetime, to spread love and the deepest understandings of the workings of love to as much of the world as I possibly can. I am here, now, to help people learn that they can (and may) heal themselves, and to help teach them different ways to do that. I was born with the memories of much of what I have learned in all my previous incarnations - those which were corporeal and those which were not. I was also born with a gift to be able to find the words with which to share the understandings I have gained in an accessible and meaningful way (hello Mrs. Verbosity!). I am here to share what I know in a loving, compassionate, holistic way that helps others to see that they know, too.
This is why we are working really hard to secure a new space and re-open Society Wolf as a Curious Boutique AND Mystical Workspace. I am ready and hungry to teach classes, lead workshops, offer counseling, and help to create and foster a space in which others may do the same. I am ready - I am desperate - to create a space for us all to heal, to learn, and to love - together. This deep need to do my work is why I have been so prolific in my life - because I have been busting at my seems trying to build my path towards this very moment. Fear may have kept me from sharing, but nothing has ever been able to keep me from doing the intuitive, creative work that I now see will be a crucial aspect of the love work I am here to do. This innate, gut-level, vibrating truth is something I have always know, something that has forced its way out of me time and time again since the first drawings and poems I created as a young child. This is why I can't stop creating - because the universe has stories to share through me. And now - without the fear - I am proud to say that I know it is my job to keep doing so until I no longer can and I am ready to accept the job, fully.
So - this is why each time I create a new product - especially divination tools but really, all of my products as they are all so very much encapsulations of me and my work - I am forced to face this truth of who I am. I am faced with a decision each and every time, and the more active and aware, the more mindful I manage to be during those moments, the more I find myself being freed of this fear. In those moments, I am asked to open up and share with the world what I have intuitively created and know I am meant to share, thereby honoring my truths and the energetic soul I truly am. Or I am faced with hiding my truth away, refusing to embody my being fully with honesty and honor - shelving a product or essay or anecdote and my most honest, embodied self along with it. But, I am tired of that pain of being disconnected. I am tired of hiding. And so...
This is my promise and my purpose. And it is why every time I get an order for one of these kits - or for any of my products - I am so deeply touched and affirmed. And for me, this is the truest beauty of retail - that through its courses we are able to share parts of ourselves and have those parts of us honored through the most clear cut way we have in this capitalistic society to find affirmation - through a purchase from someone who doesn’t even know you. So I thank each and every one of you who has bought something from me in all these 15+ years I’ve been making and selling my creations. Each purchase - each conversation - has helped me to get to this place where I am now. And now that I am here, I am so ready to share with you everything that you've helped me to see. And I promise to keep doing the work that your love and support so honestly helps me to do.